England is sweltering through its hottest June on record, and in an event meteorologists are calling "genuinely unprecedented," the heat has reached Shap. Temperatures have soared to levels locals describe as "frankly suspicious."

In the most dramatic development, lifelong resident Derek Pickthall, 61 — a man who has famously never once been warm — has removed his wool jumper for the first time in living memory. Neighbours gathered in near silence to witness the moment. "I felt a breeze on me arms," said a visibly shaken Derek. "I didn't care for it."

The jumper, knitted in 1987 and not removed since, has been placed under light guard at the Spar (next to the famous fridge) pending its safe return. Forecasters stress the heat is temporary: "Don't get used to it. The wind's back Thursday, and Derek's already eyeing the jumper."

Residents of Shap awoke this morning to the shocking news that it was, once again, both cold and windy, in a development that has stunned absolutely no one.

"I stepped outside and my face went," said local man Derek Pickthall, 61, who has lived in Shap his entire life and has never once been warm. "Then a wheelie bin overtook me on the high street. It were doing a fair lick."

The Met Office has issued a yellow warning, a red warning, and a small handwritten note that simply reads "sorry." Meteorologists confirmed the wind is expected to continue until further notice, or roughly the heat death of the universe, whichever comes first.

» Read full forecast (it's wind)

Shap Parish Council has moved to reassure residents that the village green remains in its usual location, following a tense weekend in which several people thought they saw it move. "It were just the grass blowing flat," a council spokesman clarified. "The green has not gone anywhere. Unlike the gazebo, which is believed to be somewhere over Penrith."